Register with Central Indiana Commuter Services, at www.centralincommuter.net, and enjoy free services that you wouldn't normally get when sharing rides to work!
If anyone would like to sign up for these classes they can call the family center at 327-7161 at least a week before the class is to begin. The 6 digit code before the date is what we would need when they call to register.
Mommy and Baby Yoga (Ages 18+)
Do not miss this great experience for you and your baby! Designed for 6 weeks -9 month old babies. For moms, this class focuses on a series of warm-ups and yoga postures such as developing correct posture to combat stress on body and back caused by poor posture during the feeding, lifting and carrying of your baby. During the class, you have the option of involving your baby in the movements by holding him or her, or by having your baby close to you. The babies are also treated to a short session of gentle baby yoga and massage. Please bring a mat for yourself and a blanket for your baby. Moms who have had a c-section must consult with her doctor and have a required note to give to instructor. Class taught by Mimi Sosa of YogaGarden. Pre-registration is required.
126297 10/8-11/26 10:00am-11:15am 8 wks W $88
Mommy and Me Exercise (Ages 18+)
Try something new and bring your infant or toddler and exercise off those unwanted pounds! Class workout will incorporate your stroller, weights, bands, and your infant/toddlers. Appropriate for all levels of fitness. It is good practice to see your doctor before starting any exercise routine. Pre-registration is required.
126679 10/16-11/20 9:15am-10:00am 4 wks Th $20
Thanks!!!
Melissa Himes
Recreation Coordinator
Broad Ripple Park
317-327-7161
Hi, my name is Tiffany and I'm a 4th grade teacher. I was wondering if you would mind helping out the teachers by announcing a wonderful website. The website is www.donorschoose.org. It works by teachers going on and submitting various proposals for materials needed in classrooms and then different companies or individuals can donate to certain proposals. All donations are tax deductable so it's a win-win for everyone. I've had a few projects funded and will always have something that is needed so I can better help my students.
ROCK HER WORLD AT BREAKFAST Eat this:
* 1 cup cooked oatmeal (make it with 1% milk, a spoonful of cocoa powder, artificial sweetener, and top with chopped walnuts)
* 1 cup plain yogurt mixed with 1 cup chopped strawberries
* 8 oz Welch's 100% Concord Grape Juice
Why:
You want your arteries like your bed partner: healthy, flexible, and ready to pump at a moment's notice.
How it works:
Arteries gummed up with plaque reduce the flow of blood down below, making it more difficult to get rock hard and stay that way. Our meal combines oatmeal, which has been linked to lower blood cholesterol concentrations, plus cocoa, which amplifies its effects while boosting good HDL cholesterol. Nuts like walnuts supply a shot of the amino acid arginine to pump up the production of nitric oxide, a compound involved in successful erections, while grape juice and strawberries fight sodium and help your blood vessels to relax, ensuring your blood pressure stays in check.
AMP UP THOSE LOVING FEELINGS AT LUNCH Eat this:
* A salad made with 2 cups of romaine lettuce, 1 medium chopped tomato, 1⁄2 cup of marinated artichokes (drained) plus balsamic vinegar and olive oil dressing
* A can of your favorite beef stew with 1 cup cooked, cooled barley added
Why:
To protect your nerves—so you feel maximum pleasure in the sack.
How it works:
Our hearty stew tames elevated blood sugar levels, which can wreak havoc with nerves in your nether region, preventing you from enjoying sex to the fullest. Barley is brimming with a type of fiber that suppresses spikes in blood glucose. Meanwhile, the chromium in romaine and tomatoes boosts insulin activity, helping to keep blood levels on an even keel. And the magnesium in artichokes improves insulin sensitivity, preventing glucose buildup.
BOOST YOUR TESTOSTERONE AT DINNERTIME Eat this:
* 6 oz grilled pork tenderloin
* 1 cup quinoa tossed with 1⁄4 cup chopped cashews
* 1 cup cooked broccoli drizzled with 1 tablespoon olive oil
Why:
To help your body hormone up.
How it works:
Cashews and pork are chock-full of zinc, a mineral that's essential for testosterone production. The high-quality protein in pork and quinoa can also help you lose the love handles that may be holding you back beneath the sheets (or on the couch). That's because excess fat prompts the body to tie up T, rendering it unavailable to stir sexual urges. Finally, olive oil and cashews provide a bit of good fat to your system, since very-low-fat diets sap testosterone.
SUPER LICE! The C.D.C. says that these nasty critters are now drug-
resistant and can fend off most pesticides. Because of this story
some listeners called in with home remedies they used on their kids,
or themselves, and they seemed to do the trick!
1. Pour Listerine all over your head and then put on a plastic
shower cap and let it soak for a couple of hours. Rinse it off, and
the lice should be dead.
2. Vinegar did the trick for another listener, and she said no
shower cap was necessary.
3. Quite a few people used the Vaseline, or Mayonnaise trick where
they covered their hair in their selected goop and then wrapped their
head with saran wrap, waiting an hour or two, and then rinsed. Dead
lice was the result!
4. Baby Oil may be another method, similar to the Vaseline or
Mayonnaise. Anything to suffocate them would work, I guess.
PARENTS OF CHILDREN WITH LIFE THREATENING ILLNESSES
The last thing you need to be worried about right now is money! Maybe this information will help lighten your burden.
With regards to the medical bills:
1. Contact the hospital social worker for help and information on financial services we may have missed.
2. If needed, get in touch with the Children's Organ Transplant Association. They offer many services, and fundraising capabilities, to families with children undergoing organ transplants.
3. Apply for a hardship discount with the hospital. Many times they'll deduct a great portion of the balance of care provided, depending on the situation.
4. Hoosier Healthwise can be of great service to low income families in Indiana. The program covers the cost of doctor visits, prescription drugs, hospitalizations, surgeries, etc. at little or no cost to the family. www.healthforhoosiers.com
5. Find out if Social Security or Disability will be of help.
With regards to regular expenses:
1. The United Way may be able to help. www.uwci.org
2. Your local Shriners or Lions Club could be of assistance with fundraising or helping with your household bills.
3. Contact your county trustee's office. They're supposed to aide families in need with regards to mortgage, utilities, etc.
4. Contact your mortgage company, and credit card companies, and inform them of your situation. They may be able to lower your payments.
5. Also, your church, and area restaurants may be able to help raise money to cover your every day to day expenses. Also, don't be ashamed to go to the local food bank for groceries. That's what they're there for!
RECALL: GM has recalled close to a Million vehicles because of a windshield wiper fluid system malfunction that can lead to a fire.
These Vehicles include:
2008 Buick Enclave, 2006-2008 Buick Lucerne,
2006-2008 Cadillac DTS, versions of the 2007-2008 Cadillac Escalade,
2007-2008 Chevrolet Avalanche, Silverado, Tahoe and Suburban, 2007-2008 GMC Acadia, Sierra, Yukon and Yukon XL, 2006-2008 Hummer H2 and
2007-2008 Saturn Outlook.
Click HERE for Dream Analysis with Dr. Laurel Clark and the School of Metaphysics
Trampoline info
Interactive Academy in Zionsville. It is a beautiful facility that offers a handful of activities including a competitive Trampoline and Tumbling Team. Our website is www.interactiveacademy.com. In July our team attended a National competition and we came home with 5 gold medals, 2 silver medals, and 2 bronze medals. I know it is not the Olympics…but some day it will be. I can also be reached by email at mandy.moore@interactivegym.org, or by phone at (317)733-3000 x290.
Health and Wellness Classes on-line with Marilu Henner at www.marilu.com
10 Wedding Don'ts
The day two people exchange vows may not be your special day, but it's someone's special day, so be on your best behavior -- all the way from the I -do's to the obligatory Gloria Gaynor dance marathon...
Don't Be Fashionably Late As the song says, get to the church on time! Allow enough time to get to there 15 minutes early or more no matter what weather, traffic, or other acts of divine intervention pop up. Print out directions to both the ceremony and the reception (if it's at a different location). Many a wedding has been hampered by guests who got lost and showed up an hour late.
Don't Produce Sound Effects While at a wedding and reception, turn off your Blackberries and cell phones, put them on vibrate, or better yet, don't even take them!
Don't Talk Trash It may sound obvious, but it happens all the time. No matter how big or how loud a wedding is, things get overheard. So, be on your best and most polite behavior. No gossip about any of the other guests. No complaining out loud about anything -- whether it's the food or the long line at the ladies' room. And no comparisons to other weddings! As far as the bride and groom are concerned, this is a perfect day, and so it should be!
Don't Come Bearing Gifts Whether you're planning on gifting the happy couple a Cuisinart or cold hard cash, do them a huge favor and don't bring it on the wedding day. If you do, they have to keep track of it and haul it home at the end of the night. Send the gift ahead of time, or after the actual ceremony -- at a time when they can really relax and enjoy it.
Don't Dress Down Whatever you choose to wear, make the effort to look your best for the bride and groom. They'll appreciate that you got dolled or duded up for the occasion. If the invitation doesn't specify dress code, put in a friendly email or call to the bride, groom, their parents, or attendants to get more info. Black Tie means you've got to dust off that long silk dress or rent a tux. If it's an outdoor affair, there may be more leeway, but get details on the location, so you can come prepared (because it's isn't fun to be traipsing around in the sand in your stilettos!).
Don't Bring Mr. or Ms. Random If you're single, choose your date carefully. If it's someone you've only been out with once, it may not be the best idea (could be awkward for you, your date, and the newlyweds). Same if it's someone you recently "sort of" broke up with. Weddings are intimate affairs and bringing in a stranger should be done with thought. Let the bride or groom know if you decide to come alone so they can seat you with other fun "ones!" And as much as you may love your kiddos, don't take them if children aren't invited.
Don't Steal the Show Wedding ceremonies take all forms -- from religious to poetic, musical, or humorous. Whatever the vibe, let the bride and groom set the tone and follow their lead. If you're normally a loud, life-of-the-party type, bring it down a notch and let the wedding couple stand out. If you're a weeper, bring tissues and sit where you can sob without disturbing the I Do's. If the ceremony includes religious rituals, find out what you should do (or not do) ahead of time.
Don't Pig Out If food is serve-yourself, avoid the buffet line stampede and wait until the crowd dies down. Also, avoid going back for thirds. Take a break and save room for cake! Seconds might be okay, once you've seen that everyone has eaten. If the food is served sit-down, eat what is served without requesting substitutions or omissions, unless you have a food allergy. Otherwise, pick delicately or chow down, but don't gripe that you "don't like fish." Worse comes to worst, you can hit Burger King on the way home!
Don't Drag Out Skeletons If the bride blushes, it should be from pride, joy, or sheer love. Not because someone just stood up and told a humiliating story about the loser she dated in high school! Ingratiate yourself to the lady and her groom by avoiding any potentially embarrassing or juvenile behavior -- no bawdy jokes, no tales about their dating habits or exploits, no overdrinking, and no overly sexy dancing. Have fun, but don't have it at anyone else's expense.
Don't Stockpile Party Favors At the end of the night, as you're saying your thank-yous and farewells, avoid the urge to hog all the super-cool (or yummy) party favors! You don't need to take some for people who weren't able to attend. You don't need extras. Take one for yourself, unless someone in the wedding party urges you to do otherwise.
Information about Credit Reports and Credit Card Offers:
Visit www.annualcreditreport.com and receive a credit report as well as an option to get sent a reminder to get one next year.
You're allowed to receive 1 free credit report per year. There are 3 credit agencies including Equifax and Experian. So you can request 1 report from each agency and receive 3 credit reports per year
To Stop Credit Card Requests in the mail you can call: 1-888-5OP-OUT (1-888-567-688). You must do this for each member in your household to stop all the requests.
Independent Art in Indy
BeIndypendent.org is a site that helps
Indianapolis art lovers buy direct from local artists!
Surely you're familiar with the big three travel sites -- Expedia, Travelocity, and Orbitz. But more often than not they don't provide the best prices. Instead, I recommend checking out sites like SideStep, Kayak, and Mobissimo.
Rather than serving as online travel agents, these free sites search all of the other travel sites, dozens or even hundreds of airlines, discount websites, car rental companies, hotels, cruise lines, and more to find you the best possible price. Hotwire.com is another site you might want to try -- it's a clearinghouse of unused travel inventory that you buy at a discount. The catch is that you won't know who the provider is until you buy.
For best results, take some time to do many searches, including individual airline websites -- especially the small regional carriers.
2. Try the train.
If you're thinking about a car trip but balking at the skyrocketing cost of fuel, consider Amtrak as an alternative. Especially on the coasts, where the cost of gasoline is always higher than in the interior of the country, this can make a lot of financial sense.
For example, let's say you're thinking about driving from Los Angeles to Seattle with your spouse and two kids in the only car that makes sense for a long trip: your SUV. That's 2,270 miles round trip. If you presume that the average cost of fuel for your trip is going to be about $3.80 per gallon, and your SUV averages 18 miles per gallon on the highway, you're going to spend about $480 on gasoline just getting there and back, and that's without considering side trips and the cost of lodging.
Taking the same trip on Amtrak would cost about $700, but since you're also sleeping on the train and getting there in less than two days instead of the four or five it might take you to drive, you'll save big on lodging costs. You also don't have to worry about the hassles and fatigue of long-distance driving, and you're putting less carbon into the atmosphere.
3. Choose pedestrian-friendly destinations.
This one goes hand-in-hand with taking the train. Save hundreds on a rental car by traveling to a destination that's ideal for walking and has good public transit.
My own town, New York City, is an obvious choice for walkers because of the extensive subway system, but cities like San Francisco with its BART line; Portland, Ore., with its MAX light rail; Boston with its "T" lines; and Chicago with its El are also easily cities to navigate without ever stepping into a car.
Of course, European destinations like London and Paris have incredible subway systems, and you can always rely on taxis if you need to get somewhere by car. Or simply visit more compact cities like Portland, Maine; Madison, Wis.; or Santa Fe, N.M., where everything is within an easy walk. Avoiding car rental could save you $500 on a weeklong trip.
4. Travel where the dollar stretches.
Because of the weak dollar, most of the major destinations in Europe are ruinously expensive for Americans right now. London, Paris, Rome -- they're all budget-breakers because the Euro and the pound are pummeling the greenback. However, there are still many great destinations where the dollar packs a punch and you can get an incredible experience for a reasonable amount of money.
Nicaragua is much cheaper than its formerly inexpensive neighbor, Costa Rica, but along with $2 beers and $5 dinners you get the same gorgeous scenery, crystalline water, and the relaxed Central American pace. Vietnam can cost 30 to 40 percent less than a comparable Thai resort, the people are incredibly friendly, and the street cuisine is some of the best in the world.
Hungary is one of the great European countries, with the Danube, the divided city of Budapest, and a wonderful wine region; since it's not yet on the Euro, however, dollars can still buy a lot of paprika beef and local beer. Morocco is yet another exotic destination where cheap local currency translates to rich travel, and you can save even more by discovering the amazing ancient markets in cities like Marrakech and Casablanca.
5. Get creative with lodging.
Rather than staying at a major chain hotel like Hilton, Hyatt, or Marriott, why not consider more innovative options? For example, bed and breakfasts throughout the country offer great rates that often beat the major chains, along with other money-saving promotions. Visit BedandBreakfast.com for a list of locations offering the "tanks a lot" program, where visitors get free gasoline with their stay.
If you're adventurous and don't care about amenities, try youth hostels. These backpacker-friendly lodgings are clean, safe, and usually full of interesting folks from all over the world. Many offer private rooms for four or more people for as little as $25 a night. Try Hostels.com to find hostels anywhere.
Finally, consider a house exchange, where you and another family in a place you'd like to stay swap homes for an agreed-upon period. You stay in theirs, they make themselves at home in yours. You'll have to list your home on a website like HomeExchange.com for $100 or so, but that will be your only lodging cost other than food. Other sites to check out are HomeLink International and INTERVac.
6. Pay for a kitchen.
If you're staying in a hotel, pay a little extra to get one with a full kitchen, especially if you're going to be at your destination for a while and you have kids.
Being able to buy food from local stores or farmer's markets and prepare fresh meals in your hotel room kitchen can be a huge money saver. It also keeps you from constantly pulling out the credit card at expensive local restaurants.
7. Find someone to take you on a tour.
Tours of a destination from a local tour company can get expensive, as the tour operators sell you on extras or hit you with "surprise" fees. So if you're staying at a bed and breakfast, why not ask the innkeeper to take you on a tour of the town in exchange for a fine dinner? Or in a bigger city, offer a local merchant $25 to guide you around the great local neighborhoods after he or she closes her store.
This has so many advantages beyond saving money I can barely list them all: meeting local people, getting a taste of the area from a local's perspective, making new friends, avoiding the hard-sell from tour guides, and being surprised by sights you'd never have seen on a package tour.
8. Stay close to home.
When the cost of gas, the rigor of air travel, and the hassle of packing up the kids is just too daunting, consider staying home and discovering nearby attractions you may never have seen.
Tape a map of your metro area to a dartboard. Once a month, throw a dart at the map. Wherever the dart lands, that's where you go that weekend to explore, even if you've been there before (the obvious exception is areas that might be dangerous). You can still make some amazing discoveries in your own backyard, spend quality time with family, and recharge your batteries -- not to mention save a bundle of cash.
Now get out there, travel smart and creatively, and if you come up with more great "travel rich" ideas of your own, please share them in the comments section.
-Yahoo
The Worlds Most Dangerous Beaches According to Forbes.com, the following is vital info for beach goers.
1. Shark Attacks/Bites
New Smyrna Beach, Volusia County, Florida.
The were 112 incidents of shark-human "contact" in 2007, according to the International Shark AttackFile released in March but only one resulted in a human fatality. New Smyrna, an inlet on the eastern coastline of Florida, had the most attacks, with 17 bites recorded.
2. Pollution:
Hacks Point Beach, Kent County, Md./Beachwood Beach West, Ocean County, N.J.
According to the National Research Defense Council, an environmental action group, these two beaches had the highest percentage of samples exceeding U.S. health standards in 2006.
3. Jellyfish Attacks:
Northern Australia
The coast of Northern Australia serves as a home to chironex fleckeri, also known as the box jellyfish, which has caused 60 deaths in the last 100 years, according the Center for Disease Control, Australia. While fatalities are rare, about 40 people are hospitalized each year in the Northern Territory. Last year, a 6-year-old boy died in the Tiwi Islands, north of Darwin.
4. Lightning:
Florida
Florida tops off the list as the most dangerous spot for lightning, according to the National Oceanic and Atmospheric Administration. Between 1997 and 2006, there were 71 deaths caused by lightning in Florida, more than any other state. Popular beaches such as New Smyrna and Clearwater are often evacuated and then closed for days because of the threat of lightning.
5. Boating Accidents:
Florida
Data by county or beach is not available, but according to the U.S. Coast Guard's Boating Safety Division, the state of Florida reported 633 boating accidents and 68 fatalities in 2006, the highest number of any state in the country with more people actively involved in boating in Florida.
6. Rip Current Drowning:
Brevard County, Florida
In 2007, 10 people drowned in Brevard County due to the rip current alone, according to the United States Life Saving Association.
. If someone has an actual item to donate, they can drop it off at the station and a PALS representative will pick all items up at once. Otherwise, they can mail the gift certificates to PALS directly. The Barn is where they do the therapy.
PALS
P.O. Box 1033
Bloomington, IN 47402
Barn Location
680 W. That Road
Bloomington, IN 47403
Americans have a drinking problem, and not the type you might think. After posting a blog a few weeks ago called "Belt-Busting Beverages," we received hundreds of comments from the Yahoo community claiming they had no idea the stuff they drink could be so hazardous to their waistlines.
Here’s a typical refrain voiced by one disturbed drinker: "I know a lot of people that are battling with their weight, and they tell me all the time, 'I don't eat that much, and I still can't lose weight.' " Whether you are a desperate dieter or just someone looking to drop another few pounds in time for beach season, here’s a tough stat to swallow: According to the FDA, the average American takes in 82 grams of added sugars every day. That’s 20 teaspoons, which contribute an empty 317 calories to our already calorie-saturated diets.
Sure, some of that comes from soda, but even if you've traded regular Coke for diet, whole milk coffee drinks for low-fat lattes, and you barely touch the booze, you could still be taking in 20 percent or more of your calories from beverages. Add a few of those other indulgences in — or consume one of the liquid disasters listed here — and you can suddenly be sucking in a few days' worth of calories through a straw!
(You read that last sentence right.)
To give you a better idea of the drinks most responsible for sabotaging your health, fitness, and weight-loss goals, we created a list of America’s Unhealthiest Drinks. Read up, then sip responsibly. Worst "Healthy" Drink
Glaceau VitaminWater (any flavor; 20 oz bottle) 130 calories 33 grams sugar Vitamins and water might sound like the ultimate nutritional tag team, but what the label doesn’t say is that a bottle of this stuff carries nearly as much sugar and calories as a can of Coke. Makes sense, though, since this so-called functional beverage is produced by our often-sugar-crazy friends at The Coca-Cola Company. Worst Juice Imposter Arizona Kiwi Strawberry (23.5 oz can) 360 calories 84 g of sugar These hulking calorie cannons (5 percent juice, 95 percent sugar water) are sold at gas stations and convenience stores across America for the low, low price of 99 cents, making this quite possibly the cheapest source of empty calories in the country. Worst Smoothie
Jamba Juice Peanut Butter Moo’d Power Smoothie (30 oz) 1,170 calories 169 g sugars 30 g fat Jamba Juice calls it a smoothie; we call it a milkshake, with more sugar than an entire bag of chocolate chips. (Note: We're pretty sure this is the drink Hollywood actors rely on when looking to put on 20 pounds for the role as a heavy!) Worst Summer Cocktail Pina Colada 625 calories 75 g sugars Made from a blend of sickly-sweet pineapple juice and fat-riddled coconut milk, pina coladas may be this summer's biggest beach-body saboteurs. In fact, the only redeeming part of this drink is the garnish — that lonely chunk of pineapple hanging from the rim. Try a lime daiquiri or a mojito instead and save up to 400 calories a drink.
The Unhealthiest Drink in America Baskin Robbin’s Large Heath Bar Shake (32 oz) 2,310 calories 266 g sugar 108 g fat (64 g saturated) Let's look at America's Worst Drink in numbers: 73: The number of ingredients that go into this milkshake. 66: The number of teaspoons of sugar this drink contains. 11: The number of Heath Bars you would have to eat to equal the number of calories found in one Baskin Robbins Large Heath Bar Shake. 8-12: The average number of minutes it takes to consume this drink. 240: The number of minutes you’d need to spend on a treadmill burning it off, running at a moderate pace. -Men's Health Magazine
There’s nothing worse than having a perfectly good drinking session ruined by a song that either doesn’t belong in a bar, has been crammed down your ears too many times, or just plain sucks.
14. ALL I WANNA DO – SHERYL CROW
WHO PLAYS THIS ON THE JUKE BOX: The 45-year-old wannabe cougar who, despite being totally beaten down by her dead-end job as a real estate agent, thinks she can relate to the free spiritedness this song represents. She could totally drink beer at noon on a Tuesday…if she didn’t have to be at work. And she could totally drive down Santa Monica Boulevard with some guy named Billy or Mac or Buddy…if she didn’t have to pick her kids up from soccer practice. So, instead of going all Thelma and Louise, she ends up dancing with her other cougar friends before calling it a night in time to catch Grey’s Anatomy.
WHY IT NEEDS TO BE RETIRED: When played at a bar, it does nothing but get a bunch of middle-aged women with fupas and gunts up on the dance floor who ask the DJ to play “Margaritaville” next.
13. MR. BRIGHTSIDE – THE KILLERS
WHO PLAYS THIS ON THE JUKE BOX: The wanna-be hipster. That’s right, he’s not a hipster, but he is choosing to become one. That’s like being potty trained and choosing to poop your pants. Unfortunately for him, the killers lost hipster credibility when they became profitable to a record label. So, even though he’s wearing a t-shirt featuring the tour dates of a band he’s never heard of, and really really tight jeans, once he’s popped this song on, other hipsters react like a Klu Klux Klansman hearing his buddy quote a Martin Lawrence movie.
WHY IT NEEDS TO RETIRE: The sound of the lead singer bellowing “I NEEEEVVVEEERRRR” towards the end of the song is reminiscent of the sound a man makes when he inadvertently sits on his testicles. The worst part about this song being picked in a juke box is that someone is definitely trying to say something about themselves, thus the next two selections his dollar provided is going to be even more shitty emo. By the end, you’ll want to take the Pabst Blue Ribbon he’s forcing himself to drink and lodge it in your windpipe.
12. R.E.M. – IT’S THE END OF THE WORLD AS WE KNOW IT (AND I FEEL FINE)
WHO PLAYS THIS ON THE JUKE BOX: The bespectacled, sweater-wearing grad schooler who wants to play a song that shows off his knowledge of political and world affairs. He almost puts on Billy Joel’s “We Didn’t Start The Fire” but figured REM might make him look a little hipper. But his inability to talk to the opposite sex compels him to explain every cultural reference in the lyrics. “Did you know Leonid Brezhnev served as leader of the Communist party longer than anyone except Stalin? It’s true. And Lester Bangs was an influential music writer who wrote for Rolling Stone and Creem magazines. Hey, where are you going? ”
WHY IT NEEDS TO BE RETIRED: Everyone who hears this song thinks they can sing along, but they always end up screwing up the words. So you get a bar full of people screaming, “That’s great it starts with an earthquake…birds…Lenny Bruce!…hurricane…LEONARD BERNSTEIN…oh wait, that comes later.”
11. DANCING QUEEN – ABBA
WHO PLAYS THIS ON THE JUKE BOX: She’s a shy wallflower with lots of acne in her mid-20s who still reads Sweet Valley High books and plays with her My Little Pony dolls. This song represents her fairy tale dream where she steps onto the dance floor and wows all the guys with her graceful moves. At the end of the night she’s swept off her feet by a handsome Prince Charming who takes her away in a chariot led by 10 mighty steeds. Later that evening, she realizes she’s in a rusty 1984 Datsun and the guy next to her has a pizza stain on his Foreigner T-shirt and he’s asking her to chip in for gas money.
WHY IT NEEDS TO BE RETIRED: It’s disco.
10. SWEET HOME ALABAMA – LYNYRD SKYNYRD
WHO PLAYS THIS ON THE JUKE BOX: Look to the bar, there’s probably a gentleman there who’s wearing a flannel shirt with black sleeves. Upon closer inspection, you’ll realize he’s wearing a sleeveless flannel shirt, and what you thought were sleeves are actually a dark, dense fur that’s made a home on in his shoulders and upper arms. He’ll meander up to the juke box and stare it for ten minutes looking through every album twice, because unlike the sex he has with his obese wife, he’s in no rush to finish. When he selects the song, watch closely, because as it begins to play, he’ll say the words “turn it up,” then hold his hand up and when Skynyrd says “turn it up,” he’ll drop his hand down, signifying that he correctly predicted Skynyrd would say this as well.
WHY IT NEEDS TO RETIRE: If Lynyrd Skynyrd had a Juke Box at their house, I’m pretty sure this wouldn’t be on it. This song, much like Jenna Jameson’s vagina, once was great, but years of non-stop commercialized rocking have made it unsuitable for use.
9. DON’T STOP BELIEVING – JOURNEY
WHO PLAYS THIS ON THE JUKE BOX: The middle aged guy who’s still in the suit he bought just to make sure he landed the Peterson account, which he did! But he knows it’s Friday now, time to order some chicken fingers and let loose! Right before he plays the song, he’ll talk to his buddies about how they should totally take a trip to Vegas together. “Screw it, let’s just do it.” Then they’ll all check their blackberries to find that they either have a prostate exam, a kid’s play to go to, or “wife wants to go see her parents so I kind of got to keep my weekends open for whenever that will be.” Then they’ll sit in silence until one of them leaves and heads to the juke box to make this ass kicking selection.
WHY IT NEEDS TO RETIRE: This song is as played out as Steve Perry is ugly. Whenever it’s selected on a juke box, it’s like a time out is being called from having fun. If this still pumps you up to hear, you probably also get pumped up when your wife says stuff like “I rented the first season of that show “The Closer” that my sister recommended. Maybe if I’m not too tired afterwards we’ll have sex or something
8. SMOOTH – CARLOS SANTANA AND ROB THOMAS
WHO PLAYS THIS ON THE JUKE BOX: The mega brodawg wearing a white bandana and rings on his fingers who “cannot believe!” that his “main man” Carlos Santana got together with the lead singer of the “totally best freakin’ band ever” Matchbox Twenty. Seriously, this has “gotta be the best jam of all time, bro.” He’s pretty sure that the only way a better song would come along is if “Jimi came back from the dead to play with, like, Mozart, bro. Totally.”
WHY IT NEEDS TO BE RETIRED: It’s a washed-up guitarist joining forces with the world’s blandest singer to write a song that my parent’s older friend’s like (honestly). This song should only be played on the jukebox in homes for the deaf.
7. HOTEL CALIFORNIA - THE EAGLES
WHO PLAYS THIS ON THE JUKE BOX: The college freshman who just “discovered music” and is “getting into” the “deep and heavy lyrics.” This gateway song will lead this young man into an ill-advised Steve Miller concert, Pink Floyd posters on his dorm walls and, tragically, the purchase of a Phish album. If you see these signs in anyone attempting to use the jukebox, call the authorities immediately.
WHY IT NEEDS TO BE RETIRED: This song has been played so much even Glenn Frey and Don Henley stab their own ears with icepicks whenever they hear it. Killing someone for playing it is legal in 13 states.
6. I WILL SURVIVE – GLORIA GAYNOR
WHO PLAYS THIS ON THE JUKE BOX: The 39 year old newly divorced woman whose friends have taken her to a bar where they’re all ten years older than the everyone in the bar, including the manager. After a 45 minute session where she and her friends repeatedly convince her that “any guy in this bar would screw you. I’m telling you, Janice. You show me one other person who’s had three kids and is as hot as you!” she downs her last cosmo and makes a beeline for the juke box. She confidently plays this song, and as the beginning piano solo comes in, she turns around towards her friends as they all excitedly scream in unison, then begin singing. Behind them a group of 25 year old frat guys say “How many beers to take down the grandma?”
WHY IT NEEDS OT RETIRE: Nothing kills a buzz faster than having a group of people next to you get up and sing a song with the same passion and intensity of Russell Crowe speech from Gladiator, then suddenly sitting down once the song is over. Attempting to empower yourself by singing a 70s disco song tells the whole bar “I have low self esteem. Talk to me later when I’m drunk and there’s a good chance I’ll do you.”
5. MEATLOAF – PARADISE BY THE DASHBOARD LIGHT
WHO PLAYS THIS ON THE JUKE BOX: With his over-the-top Broadway theatrics and his over-the-belt belly fat, Meatloaf attracts the tubby, pony-tailed husky guy who thinks to himself, “Hey, if a great big fatass like Meatloaf can pull this off, then I can too. Because I am also a great big fatass.” He then proceeds to try and out Meatloaf Meatloaf by undoing his pony tail for full hair-flip effect, props one knee on a table and sings along as loud as he possibly can. When he tries to get a girl to do the “let me sleep on it” part she politely declines and he’s forced to sing both the male and female parts by himself. Moments after the song is over he goes home, very alone.
WHY IT NEEDS TO BE RETIRED: First off, it’s eight minutes long. Secondly, it’s shitty Meatloaf singing about having sex in a car. The man is too fat to have sex in a barn. I’m pretty sure those are the only two reasons you need.
4. KID ROCK – BAWIDABA
WHO PLAYS THIS ON THE JUKE BOX: He’s got a lifted truck that’s most likely powered by gasoline and “deez nuts.” He’s pounding bud lights sitting at the bar in a shirt that’s either sleeveless, or with sleeves short enough to show off the tattoo he got to commemorate the animal that most closely resembles the demeanor he displayed while playing middle linebacker in high school. He’s also a few beers deep and “there’s a lotta fatties and uptight bitches in this place,” so it’s vital that he take it upon himself to “freakin' rock this place brother.” He walks over to the juke box while maintaining a full body flex and enters the numbers for this song. Then he nods his head approvingly, as if to say to everyone “Don’t worry, you’re about to see what I picked and it’s gonna take your nuts and shove them inside your butthole, bro.”
WHY IT NEEDS TO RETIRE: Unlike some other songs on the list, this was never an acceptable juke box selection. The only time this is an appropriate selection is when you’re a stripper working the mid-day shift and you need a pick me up because you’re feeling gassy from the free hot dog lunch buffet your club was offering.
3. ANYTHING BY THE BEATLES - THE BEATLES
WHO PLAYS THIS ON THE JUKE BOX: He or she is around 55 and although they seriously considered a cut off the Beach Boys “Pet Sounds” album, “you just can’t go wrong with the beatles.” They’re wearing Teva Sandles and a sweater from whatever college their son or daughter attended. They don’t go to the bar that often, but hey, who doesn’t love a good margarita. Maybe it’ll get them drunk enough to have sex with their significant other who has become disgusting with age! They’ll probably be sitting with several other older people who are waiting for just the right time to pull out their story about when they first heard this beatles song, which will be a lie, since the actual first time they heard it they were smoking laced weed while awkwardly looking for a place to get freaky. WHY IT NEEDS TO RETIRE: Before you freak out, we’re not saying the Beatles suck. The Beatles are a legendary and influential band and because of that, everybody has heard every one of their songs so many times that it feels like you’re living in North Korea and its propaganda spewing from megaphones mounted in the street.
2. PIANO MAN – BILLY JOEL
WHO PLAYS THIS ON THE JUKE BOX: The lonely guy wearing a suit, who just took off his sportcoat, loosened his tie and undid the top button on his shirt. After ordering a scotch and soda he asks the bartender where he was when this song came out. Instead of listening to the guy’s answer, he immediately starts telling him how he came this close to signing to the Mets farm team and how his wife left him because he worked too much and that he really wanted to be a astronaut when he was a kid. Hours later, when he’s finally done with his pity party and gets up to leave, he doesn’t even notice that the bartender hung himself with a bar towel.
WHY IT NEEDS TO BE RETIRED: It makes everyone over 37 all weepy and sad as they sit there and reminisce about all their hope and dreams that never came true. And it makes everyone under 37 furious with murderous rage because they have to listen to this crappy song one more time.
1. AMERICAN PIE – DON MCLEAN
WHO PLAYS THIS ON THE JUKE BOX: The 55-year-old hippie who’s long, thinning hair and tie-dyed T-shirt scream desperation for a bye-gone era. He’ll spend the entire 8:32 of this epic ballad telling you how much better things were back in the 1960s because the youth actually fought for something. Then, because this song is so damn long, he’ll run out of boring stories and will start telling you his “secrets he learned in ‘Nam” that the government invented cancer and that LSD is the only true form of learning. Once it’s finally over, he’ll ask you to sign a petition to legalize hash.
WHY IT NEEDS TO BE RETIRED: It’s an eight-minute long folk ballad that has long outlived it’s welcome. It needs to die.
Universal Connectivity Fee (Universal Service Fund), Federal:
Because telephones provide a vital link to emergency services, to government services and to surrounding communities, it has been our nation's policy to promote telephone service to all households since this service began in the 1930s. The Universal Service Fee (USF) helps to make phone service affordable and available to all Americans, including consumers with low incomes, those living in areas where the costs of providing telephone service is high, schools and libraries and rural health care providers. Congress has mandated that all telephone companies providing interstate service must contribute to the USF. Although not required to do so by the government, many carriers choose to pass their contribution costs on to their customers in the form of a line item, often called the "Federal Universal Service Fee" or "Universal Connectivity Fee".
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