We made it past the birthday without public mention of a proposal but in the 4 months since then it seems she has established a mental deadline to be engaged and the "hints" became more persistent.  We have discussed the situation many times and we have each made our feelings clear to the other...she does not want to be in a relationship that isn't leading to marriage and I, although I love her, am not ready to get married again yet.  Last weekend she decided she was done waiting and we broke up.  I guess I can honestly say I saw it coming.  Knowing there was a deadline looming, any proposal would have felt coerced.  And since that is no way to enter into a marriage I don't think I would have proposed even if I was ready.  Knowing the relationship was doomed without a proposal I think I naturally backed off a bit emotionally which led to more doubts on her part and, eventually, to our break up.  I can't help thinking though, maybe if I would have been allowed to come to the decision on my own I might be engaged by now. 

Thanks for listening!...wait, isn't that what YOU are supposed to say??
ex-boyfriend of the birthday girl

Long Wal-Mart Shopper

I wrote in over a year ago asking for advice with the mother that would take over eight hours in Walmart shopping, while I had an infant at home.  Previous to writing in to the daily dilemma, I had given her the numbers for both taxis and bus services in her area and offered to pay her way.  My family and I would go over on other occasions and bring either dinner with us or take her out for dinner.  I was also having problems with her saying very venomous things about anyone who disagreed with her, and being manipulative to myself and others.  I had stated that I had 3 out of 4 siblings that do not speak with her due to behavior.  I was not looking for a pass to stop helping to her, but real advice since I have tried everything to get the time she spent shopping under control.  And I felt like I had been forced to choose between my mom and my daughter, and was thrown under the bus because I was at my wits end and chose my daughter.

Well, last summer told her that I could no longer take 8 hours at a time in Walmart to do the shopping.  I again told her that I would be happy to pay for her transportation to go shopping, do the shopping for her myself with a list, or split the shopping into multiple trips (it takes 45 over minutes for a one way trip from my home to hers) so I would not be gone for such a long stretch of time.  And asked which option would work for her, or an alternative if she had one.  At that moment, she told me that she wished she had had an abortion when she was pregnant with me.  Unfortunately, she has said this to me on many occasions before.   And that she never wanted to hear from me again, and wanted the remainder of some money that I borrowed from her.  And she began leaving vile messages on my answering machine.  Needless to say, I have paid her in full and chosen to stay away from her for myself as well as the benefit of my family.  I can neither control nor be responsible for her actions.  But I can be in control of my environment as well as my family's.

Take care,
Older and Wiser

Wife Secretly Borrowing Big Money from Her Parents

I'm the man who wrote in a couple of weeks ago to talk about his wife who had borrowed $20,000 from her parents.  Well, considering she was the one who went behind my back to borrow the money, I thought she had a lot of nerve to act offended when I confronted her about the loan.  She told me that it was none of my business because the money came from her folks, and she would be the one paying them back. Until the other day I really thought this issue would be the end of our marriage.  However, just last night she talked to me and admitted
that she does indeed have a credit problem. 

She was embarrassed to tell me because most of her debt stems from playing on line poker. She has agreed to stay off the sites that charge, and just play in the free ones from now on.  I agreed to help her pay her parents back if she cuts up her credit cards.

Thanks for the help.

Relieved Husband.

Sick of Playing the Scapegoat

I wrote to you sometime last year and signed my Dilemma “Sick of Playing the Scapegoat”. At the time I was the Paralegal to an attorney who blamed his mistakes on me, would fail to do something for a client and blame me and in front of clients stated that “Good Help was hard to find” when he was the one who made the mistake. Many of the callers told me to write down when he did these things or start communicating with him through e-mail so I would have proof of what he had asked me to do.

Here we are about a year later and I am no longer working for him. I am still working for the same firm; however I am no longer responsible for him. I tried the e-mail thing with him but he would still come in my office and start telling me things to do instead of sending through e-mail. If something didn’t get done (that he didn’t mention) it was my fault all over again and I was left with no proof since he would state in front of clients that it must have slipped my mind. Our law office is small so there is no HR department. Instead I went one the head attorneys of the firm. He knew that this attorney had treated past paralegals and secretaries this way and gave him a warning about this one more time. Well, apparently that warning still didn’t work so they told him to find his own paralegal or secretary that he would have to pay for himself. They didn’t appreciate him treating people this way. This was 4 months ago, and to this day he is still without an assistant. He struggles with some things and is always asking me questions on how to do things. He did eventually apologize to me for treating me the way he did but stated that he felt he had to because “he didn’t want to look bad in front of clients since he was an attorney”.

I’m glad that he is the one squirming in the hot seat now. Especially when clients ask why something wasn’t done, he has no one to blame but himself.

No Longer a Scapegoat

Feeling Left Out

Kelly,

I wrote to you recently about my boyfriend not introducing me to his family.  We've been together several months and I've never even met his close friends.  I just wanted to update you and tell you that we argued about it this week, and I finally said enough was enough and told him I was done.  Well, he freaked out and told me to be ready to leave when I got home from work.  He met me at my house and immediately took me to meet his Dad.  We spent about an hour there helping him with his yard and just talking.  When we left he actually thanked me for “putting my foot up his a$$” and getting him to open up.  He said he was sorry it ever got to this point and was glad I finally met his father.  I told him this better be the beginning of things moving forward and not just an act of appeasement.  So hopefully the ball is rolling!  Thanks so much for the final push I needed to save my relationship!!!

Feeling Left Out

Dog Owner

Hey kelly,

I'm the gal who wrote about our neighbors who complained about our guard dog barking all the time.  Here's the update.  First, though, ne point I want to make is that they've lived next to us for 5 years, and we've always had our dog.  They're just now starting to complain about the barking, and it makes no sense.  Well,  a couple of days after the daily dilemma aired I told my next door neighbor about the incident. Come to find out, that same day the neighbors complained about our dog, they went 3 houses down to accuse that neighbor's cat of spraying their front door.  Since that day their cat has been missing.   Anyway, as for our barking dog, we have purchased a bark collar which seems to be working. He also has an electronic invisible fence.  I don't crack the garage door anymore. amd sometimes I do bring him inside for the night. My recourse has been to turn on my high pressure sodium lights for my protection, they surround the house.  We are thinking about putting up a privacy fence on the east side of our property so my dog can't see the neighbors.  Thank you for airing this. Also, 5 houses surround our neighbors 3 of which have dogs besides us. They all BARK!


Thanks for letting me vent!!!!

Formerly Confused Dog Owner