Well, it all started on Wednesday. I knew it was Wednesday because I remember it was Tuesday just the day before, and I looked on my calendar to see that Thursday was just ahead. On the outside, I was all Tommy: tall, strong, handsome, charismatic, the perfect lover for all shapes and sizes. But something was changing inside me, and not in a good “I’m getting hair in new places” kind of way that I had just experienced a few years ago. I first noticed that I had a minor cough, and it was inconsequential, meaningless, barely noticeable. This non-cough, which later I would realize was Covid sliding into my body’s DMs, developed in the middle of the day. I knew it was the middle of the day because it was the morning just before that and the sun was not yet setting in the horizon as it would in the evening. As the sun was high in the sky around noon-time, I dismissed this midday cough to be allergies, chopped onion mist in the air, or a plume of my Axe body spray escaping my deep V tri-blend T. My strong young mind and body would not allow me to even consider the possibility that this superficial symptom could be Covid-19. It literally just felt like a tiny tickle in the back of my throat as if a teeny elf was dancing on my epiglottis in a feather cap that was gently stroking the top of my esophagus. Honestly, my cough sounded fake, artificial, like a bad impression of cough. If someone heard my little cough they’d ask, “Is that a burp or a sneeze or maybe even a snurp?” and I would have to reply, “No, that’s my bad impression of a cough, but I’m working on it at open mic nights.” And undoubtedly, that person would have never thought that they had just been exposed to my Covid-saturated sputum. This disease process took over, and on Thursday, I started to have light body aches. And I was all like, “I didn’t move my futon onto my front porch to drink today, what is going here? Why do I lightly ache?” It didn’t hurt, I just felt weak. If someone had asked me to slam a ‘Bang,’ I’m not sure I could’ve even lifted the can to my lips. Just kidding. I could’ve totally still slammed a ‘Bang.’ I just felt like I was NOT A HUNDO-P! Anyway, on Friday, I started to have a bit of a headache, but it wasn’t a normal headache. I know now that it was a weird Covid headache! Strangely, it only hurt when I looked anywhere but straight in front of me. I became a horse in blinders – fearful of gazing into my peripheries for the pain or predators. So, I continued to stare straight ahead and shifted my whole body to one side or the other to look around in order to keep my eyes afixed forward. Luckily, I spent much of Friday alone and was never startled where my eyes and head would’ve suddenly snapped around; otherwise, I would have probably endured more of this weird Covid headache. By Saturday, I was on the downswing of it. The feather-capped cough elf had been swallowed, the light body-aches had dissipated, and finally my eyes could shift side to side without discomfort. I finally got tested for Covid-19 on Sunday, and my test results came back within the hour. I was actually out in my driveway alone playing basketball when I received the text alert. I checked the posted results. Positive. It echoed in my mind. I had Covid-19. I’ll never forget that moment as I hurled the b-ball at the basket in anger and confusion. How could this happen to Tommy? What’d Tommy do to deserve this? As the ball ricocheted off the rim, I resolved that I would not allow this to beat me. I would rise from these broken Covid ashes. My survival instincts immediately kicked in, and I instantly recovered my own rebound and sank a sick 3 pointer. Game over, Covid. Tommy’s winning this one.
As I reflect on those few days, I would say that I had a very easy go at this virus. I was lucky. My symptoms were mild. It was over within a week. I didn’t die. There was only ONE weird thing that happened that I haven’t mentioned yet, and my family thinks I’m being crazy about this one: my nose felt like it was vibrating for a whole day, and I couldn’t smell anything except this weird stink. My nose shivered as it took in nothing but an acrid wet cabbage dog fart odor – like broccoli and tuna in a ziplock you forgot in your fridge for 6 months. Sick. Oh, and also, my clothes felt weird on my skin. It almost burned every single time I moved. So, that was bad too. So, I guess TWO weird things. I probably should’ve mentioned those two terrible things earlier. But, if you have any questions about what it was like to smell fart cabbage through a vibrator-nose and feel like your clothes were burning your entire body, I’ll answer them all on Twitter @TommyOnAir! Stay safe. Stay healthy. Don’t get Covid like ya boy.
